It has been a funny week. Funny peculiar - not funny ha-ha. I've been more upset this week than any other since Dad died (7 weeks ago now). I don't know why that should be. My mum and sister seem to have been the same, so maybe we're all just starting to feel the reality of what has happened kicking in.
It takes me ages to get to sleep at night. As soon as I get into bed my mind starts playing a movie. It's the Late Night Horror Show. It starts with Dad in hospital - and knowing deep down that something was badly wrong, but waiting for the sickening reality to be confirmed. Then it fast forwards to the last weeks at home. The awfulness of watching somebody die. Vivid, unpleasant images of a ravaged body sustained only by a strong will and a family's love.
In the early days after Dad's death my mind played over and over again a Romantic Film... the grief and the sadness was softened by love and the peacefulness of the ending. And by the relief of seeing suffering end. I preferred the Romance to the Horror, although I knew inside it wasn't real.
I think I just have to ride this out. I am still in control. Just about.
Coping strategies:
- A self ban on visiting Macmillan and Cancer websites. The stories I see are just too heartbreaking.
- Getting back to a normal life and routine - i.e. finding a job.
- Finding another focus in my personal life - getting fit again is a good one.
- Oh and taking a holiday! Not to run away from things, but to relax mind and body before Autumn kicks in and a new life chapter unfurls.
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