Body Dysmorphia!

I don't know if I have mentioned this, but I think I have a touch of body dysmorphia.
Not the type where I think I'm fat/ugly but the type where I actually think that I look thinner than I really am.
I was on a course just before Christmas - on presentation skills - and we were filmed so that we could look at how we present to an audience. When they played the film back, rather than critique my presentation technique (I thought I was rather good, actually!) I spent the whole time cringing at how enormous I was! When I get dressed and look in my mirror, I see a large but "ok" person. On the tv screen (ok so it was wide screen) I looked MASSIVE. And my face! I looked like a doughboy.

Anyway, not to labour on it, because I am addressing this situation, but I wanted to record it for posterity, should I be tempted not to eat sensibly! If I had balls, I'd upload some footage of the DVD that the course instructors kindly gave me to bring home. But I think that is a step too far.

We were chatting about doughboys today. When we were kids, my nana would make us dough and we'd spend ages at the dining table playing with it. We'd make teddies, and "dough boys" as my nan called them. Dumpy looking shapes, with eyes punched out with matchsticks. Ah, the nostalgia! No need for fancy games when you've got imagination and a nana who'll make you a lump of dough.

Mum has been here for the weekend. Having her here on her own is starting to feel a bit more "normal". We had a nice time.

So, one week of The Diet is complete. It's gone well. Of course I didn't get weighed at the outset so I can't report progress in numbers to you. But I'll try a suit on tomorrow and see if it's fitting any better.

I do feel better for eating well. Next I need to tackle my gymphobia. I wish I could get back in that mindset of loving the gym and wanting to go all the time.

Instead, I find a series of highly inventive excuses (not) to avoid it. They include:
"I've got work to finish"
"I need to clean up"
"I have to make dinner"

Spot the smokescreen.

p.s. I hit my record of 572 on Germ Buster tonight!

Replacing one addiction with another...

Gosh it seems ages since I sat here after midnight blogging. Used to be my "quiet" time when Dad was ill, and after Mum had gone to bed.

I should be in bed by now but I've been otherwise occupied. Roy got a Nintendo DS Lite game for Christmas and I've (sadly) becoming addicted to the Germ Buster game on the Brain Training card. Now, I know that sitting playing Germ Buster is better than sitting eating chocolate, but isn't this just replacing one addiction with another, LOL?


The basic rules are you have to kill germs with pills by lining up four of the same coloured dots. As soon as you place one pill on the screen (dragging it with the pen) then another appears. You're "dead" if you pile up too many pills without killing the germs. When I first started I was scoring about 7-10 points per game (on easy mode!). Tonight I hit my all time record of 450.

But, I've just googled Germ Buster and was gutted to see people boasting of scores of 1172 on "hard" mode. So I have a long way to go. I don't know if I can let my addiction reach that level. The irony is that Germ Buster is supposed to relax your brain after Brain Training. But it winds me up. I think it's getting to me - today on the motorway I found myself (driving a black car) trying to get behind 3 other black cars to make a chain of 4! Oh dear - not good eh?

Diet going well - not succumbed to any temptation yet. I won't bore you with the details.

Day 2 of a proper diet

I feel thinner already. Don't laugh! Honestly, I do. My trousers felt more comfy and the zip nearly fastened to the top (that isn't just a fatness problem, I think the zip is a bit knackered).

And I'm sure I'm detoxing because I have a lovely outbreak of spots on my face. Well, if I'm really honest they started at the weekend, pre-diet.

So how is it going? Well, ok. I am very concerned about how "travelling" is going to go - because I have realised that with Slimming World you don't get much in the way of sandwiches. But tomorrow will be a tester - a good old "Buffet Lunch" to contend with. I'm taking emergency nuts/seeds and fruit, just in case there is nothing suitable. Well, I can probably tell you now that there won't be.

I'm doing an exam tomorrow afternoon - not a long or difficult one, but nevertheless I can't afford to be distracted by hunger pangs, can I?

This morning we went to a funeral. It was Renee's dad, who died from pancreatic cancer at age 83. She wrote a very touching tribute to him, which the lady minister read. It rained really heavily - and it was a proper burial. Not a good combination. We didn't go back to the house as I was working, and had just sneaked out for an hour or so to pay my respects.

Didn't experiment with any interesting foods today so not much to report diet wise. Except this: it has been a Zantac free day. In fact, barely no heartburn at all bar a little in the church (which I think was stress as I was a bit twitchy about being at a funeral) which a Rennie managed to shift.

Oh god, how many Syns are there in a Rennie........

Oops I suppose I should post my menu plan for today, a "green day".
Breakfast:
1oz porridge oats made with water, splash of milk, tsp of maple syrup
Small smoothie made with very low fat yogurt, grape juice, blueberries and raspberries

Lunch:
Huge bowl of lentil and veg soup
Fresh pineapple

Dinner:
Small tuna steak (marinated in evoo, wine vinegar, fennel seeds, chilli and garlic)
Roasted peppers, carrot, fennel
Mangetout
Noodles
Lemon juice to flavour
Roasted apricots with a dash of maple syrup, dessert spoon of very low fat vanilla fromage frais

Snack:
1 Laughing Cow Light triangle
Grapes

The Diet starts here!

The chosen diet plan is Slimming World.
http://www.slimmingworld.com/

The basic premise is low fat, lots of fruit and veg, not too much sugar.. blah blah blah.

Like most "commercial" diets, it structures its plan in such a way that if you follow it correctly you'll eat really healthy food. However, as with most such plans, there is opportunity to:
a) trade "points" (in this case "syns") for treats
b) be encouraged to eat fake foods (artificial sweeteners, fake meat etc)

I also find it uses a lot of packaged foods as "quick and easy meal ideas/recipes". For example, those dried pasta meals that you poor water into and rehydrate. One recipe recommends making this up, blending it until smooth and then mixing in real pasta. It makes me full ill just at the suggestion.

So, am I sounding negative enough yet about my new diet? Maybe that's because I just ate lunch, which included Quorn Sausages. I have never in my life eaten Quorn, and lets just say that I don't think I'm going to be it's biggest fan.

Today's menu (we're on a Red Day):

Breakfast:
1oz porridge oats, made with water, splash of milk and a teaspoon of maple syrup.
(Note to self: buy smaller bowls so that paltry cereal portion looks more substantial).
1 banana
Coffee

Lunch:
2 rashers of lean bacon
2 Quorn sausages
Tinned tomatoes
Scrambled eggs (done in microwave so as to avoid using fat)
2 small pieces of wholemeal toast
Mushrooms
The mushrooms were poached in stock and then drained and "dry fried" to take the slimy texture off and colour them. I could hear them squealing in protest as they went into the dry frying pan. They were saying "nooooo don't - we're not supposed to be boiled and then heated up - we deserve to be sauteed in olive oil, or even butter. Or roasted with a drizzle of oil. Please don't torture us like this again". Honestly - they were. I heard them!

1 tangerine
Cup of tea

Dinner:
Smoked haddock (poached in milk)
Spinach
Poached egg

Fresh apricots with very low fat vanilla flavoured fromage frais/yogurt.

I did buy "Muller Light" yogurts, but I can't get past the ingredient label - my main worry being aspartame, a natural source of phenyalanine. One website tells me that this is a neurotoxin and will cause cancer and all sorts of horrors. Another tells me that it is an essential amino acid that my body can only get through food and that the reason the "warning" is on the label is because some people are born with rare genetic disorder which means that they are unable to properly metabolise phenylalanine. They have to limit intakes of all foods that contain this amino acid, including meat, fish, dairy, eggs and products containing artificial sweeteners.

I just opened the pot of vanilla flavoured yogurt/fromage frais to test it. It claims to contain nothing artificial but clearly has some kind of colouring in it as it's a lurid yellow colour. It tastes like sour grainy cold custard. Not TOO bad, but not great.

Choices, choices. I think that next week I'll buy plain fromage frais and put some vanilla essence and honey into it. Surely a teaspoon of honey is better than some cooked up artificial sweetener? Or maybe I could do without.

So folks, if you're thinking I won't last long on Slimming World, you could be right. But I'm committed to a one week trial. This week I'm not travelling so much (well no overnight stays anywhere) so it's a good week to give it a whirl.

Plus I've just spent ages chopping veg and making lentil and veg soup and tomato sauce for pasta.

Oh - and in case you're wondering: No, I haven't been weighed. Can't face it. Yeah, I know - how will I know I'm succeeding if I don't have measures? I'll know - trust me.

For one - the horrendous heartburn that has plagued me for the last few months will cease. And I can stop taking Zantac by the bucket load.
Two - my suit jackets will close and fasten without me breathing in hard.
Three - said suits will start to hang off me and I'll be able to dig out the other ones which no longer fit.

2008 - how can I make it a good one?

This is an excerpt from what I wrote on 3rd January 2007:

*Sigh* It's that time of year when Roy has to do his tax return and I hate it. I can't describe to you how disorganised this man is. And then of course I get involved and irritated by the whole thing. *Takes deep breath and points husband in the direction of the filing cabinet*

Here is the Virgoan New Year Resolution Diet:
Jan 1st: resolve to Diet in the new year.
Jan 2nd: go through all the Christmas leftovers, deciding what you can make of them, as you won't throw good food away.
Jan 3rd: (and for several days thereafter)eat said leftovers.
Jan 4th: get out your huge collection of diet and fitness books and prevaricate for ages about which one to follow in the new year.
Jan 5th: procrastinate some more over The Diet, whilst polishing off leftover chocolate, cake and peanuts.
Jan 6th: enjoy a huge lunch (well it IS the weekend)
Jan 7th: have a Monday panic because The Diet hasn't yet begun. Pick up those books again.
Jan 8th: decide to look online for support and ideas. Spend the next three days surfing the net.
Jan 10th: finish off the peanuts (make note to self not to buy such a huge jar next Christmas) and spot a huge bottle of full fat Coca Cola in the fridge. Drink it.
Jan 11th: remember that you rejoined the gym and start to consult exercise books for ideas on the fastest way to lose that tummy.
Jan 12th: compile shopping list for The Diet.
Jan 13th: go to supermarket, buying healthy food sufficient to feed 12 people for a month.
Jan 14th: start to eat healthy food. Like it so much you have second portions of everything.
Jan 15th: sample three new types of Healthy Eating Cereal Bars and love all of them.
Jan 16th: have another panic attack as you realise you haven't reached your goal of four gym visits per week. Do one very long session to make up lost time.
Jan 17th: get weighed (well you had to let the Christmas bloat settle down). Feel sick as you realise you've regained (and some) since your last Diet. Comfort eat for the rest of the day.
Jan 18th: consider hypno-therapy and start to research it on the internet.
Jan 19th: discount hypno-therapy as too expensive.
Jan 20th: discover some uneaten goodies in the back of the fridge. Take them to the bin. Bring them back in the house. Take them out again. Bring them back in. Say "oh sod it" and eat them in one sitting.
Jan 21st: Realise you haven't been very good on The Diet. Oh well, it's the weekend.
Jan 22nd: Monday weigh in. You have gained 3lbs since starting The Diet.
Jan 23rd: time to get serious. Throw out all the out of date healthy food and prepare to restock.
Jan 24th: reacquaint yourself with the gym. Realise it is full of January Joiners and get irritated at how busy it is and how you can't get onto your favourite machine. Go home early.
Jan 25th: cook three months' supply of healthy stews and soups to freeze.
Jan 26th: realise that lentil soup doesn't freeze well and eat three portions.
Jan 27th: it's the weekend! Enjoy a special treat, since you've been on The Diet almost one month.
Jan 28th: order three new exercise DVDs from Amazon.
Jan 29th: buy Detox Diet book from the supermarket. Get home and realise you already have it.
Jan 30th: decide to tackle the psychological aspect of your overeating before attempting any physical Dieting. Dig out 14 self help books from the book cupboard.
Jan 31st: prepare to start the New Diet in February. Work out how much weight you can lose by Valentine's Day.

I'd actually forgotten about it until I was browsing my blog earlier. And I was shocked to see how little had changed in 2008. Well - one minor change - I did Roy's tax return this year because he refused to see his Accountant (she filed his return late last year and he got fined). I'm not sure if it was more or less irritating than last year. Probably about the same.

But when I read the Virgoan Diet - it struck me how I've followed pretty much the same pattern this year (and yet that piece above was written in jest last year!). Hmmmm. As the Stranglers said: Something Better Change.

So, I need to make some positive changes in 2008 else I'll be recycling that Virgoan Diet crap this time next year, and that's just lazy.

Watch this space.