Wednesday already...........

I'll combine two days here as I didn't get chance to update last night.

Tuesday:
This morning I popped out with Lorraine to the Cancer Support Centre in Widnes. I was really surprised and impressed at the range of support available to cancer patients and their carers/families. You can have massages, facials, reiki - all free, and there is even a luxury caravan in Wales that can be booked. So, maybe one day we'll avail ourselves of some or all of these services.

Our main reason for the visit was that Dad had asked about physiotherapy for his back and shoulders... his doctor didn't think phsyio was suitable (NHS physios aren't hands on, they'd just want to give him exercises, which he wouldn't be capable of doing) and she suggested I try Macmillan to see if a massage therapist would come out to the home.

The people at the Cancer Support Centre are all volunteers and for health and safety reasons they don't do home visits. We met a lovely lady called Margaret, who'd worked as a teacher all her life and took up massage when she retired. She showed us some basic moves we could try on Dad and gave us some advice on massage oil. She demo'd on Lorraine. As we left she gave us both a big hug and asked for Dad's name for her prayers. It is so moving how people can be so giving. I know for fact that some of my cyber friends also pray for Dad. I was quite choked as we left her lovely therapy room. Dee, the Centre co-ordinator also had a chat with us (and kept offering tea or coffee) and the whole place just had such a positive vibe about it. I hope to go back there soon.

As it turned out, Dad's back massage was a bit of a disaster! We were going to do it while Lorraine was here, so that we could turn Dad better in the bed. However, we forgot and she'd gone off to work by the time I started it. Things got off to a bad start by mum and dad squabbling as I was getting prepared - I'd got the music too loud and couldn't find the volume control and mum came in fussing about it. Dad then got irritated at her fussing!!

We (Dad and I) managed between us to get Dad on his side, but it took a huge effort from him and the whole process seemed to exhaust him. I couldn't really reach all of his back properly but I did my best (and actually thought I was doing an ok job). Dad talked constantly - asking the time, asking about the music I'd put on (a New Agey relaxation CD), worrying about how we were going to get him back in position. I chided him that he was supposed to be relaxing but he clearly wasn't and we stopped after a little while. I'm not sure if it helped! As I started to turn Dad back in the bed, I realised that he'd been to the toilet and so clean up operations had to commence. Ah well, long time since I did Poop Patrol so I suppose I need to keep in practice!

Picked up Emily from school and popped back to Widnes to get some stuff from the Chemist. Then I had to get ready as I was out to meet Lynn, an old friend and colleague - she's kind of like my mentor. Sadly, Lynn lost her dad (suddenly) a few months ago. We had a good old natter and chatted about my plans for work when I'm ready to go back. Of course, I have none, other than a few vague ideas! Lynn may be recruiting in January so she's asked me to think about the vacancy she'll have and let her know if I want to throw my hat in the ring.

When I got back I sat in and had a chat with Dad for a while... he likes Lynn and her husband and wanted to hear all about her latest plans (she's always pretty active on the property market!). He was delighted when I said she'd bought a retirement property in South Africa, and I had to describe it all to him in detail.

Dad settled earlier than usual - before midnight - and I went online as usual.

I spend far too much time online - sometimes I feel like the internet is my little comfort blanket between me and real life. I visited the usual cancer websites - Macmillan, Johns Hopkins and PCUK. It amazes me how many people are praying for miracles that their loved ones will recover from PC. I started to feel quite guilty that I'm not doing so. I have only once in the last 5 months hoped for a "miracle" - in the period when the Docs started to question that Dad had cancer at all. I wished that his biopsy would come back benign. I almost convinced myself it would. Then when it didn't I just accepted how things were and started to plan for how we could deal with them. It never crosses my mind that a miracle cure will happen. Is that wrong?

So, bed at 1.15am and then up at 5am with Dad (he was vomiting) but then I got a nice lie in until 8.30am, as mum had done the 7-8am medications etc.

Wednesday:
When I finally crawled off my mattress (literally, some days now that my old bones are getting creaky!) I got dressed and had breakfast. I was picking Roy's parents up at Manchester Airport at mid-day but their flight got delayed an hour so Lol and I went to M&S for some food and stuff. Dropped her off and got to the airport just on time. They took ages clearing baggage etc., so it was 4pm by the time I got home to Leeds. I had planned to have something to eat with Roy, sort the house out for the weekend (we have guests) and then drive back.

Poor Lorraine has missed out again - I had tickets for Sound of Music this coming Saturday and Lol, Emily and I were going. With things as they are, Lorraine didn't feel happy leaving mum on her own and so she told me this morning she is going to back out and stay here. Emily's friend Fran is coming with us instead.

I felt awful tonight - I'd said to Roy that I was driving back, but he had got it into his head I was staying home and driving back tomorrow. I leapt up at 7pm and said "Right, I'd better make tracks" and his face fell - "where are you going?". When I told him back to mums, he said he thought I'd been joking about driving back. Anyway, only another two nights away and I'll be back home.

When I got back, Dad wasn't so happy. He said he felt bloated and yukky. It's very rare that he complains of not feeling well (ironic, isn't it!) and so it seemed strange to be sympathising with him over it. He couldn't get comfy, so I gave him some Oramorph. He's just settled down (just after midnight). When things like this happen, I start to wonder if we're about to turn another corner, but then he bounces back. We'll see. Brian (District Nurse) was saying to Lorraine earlier that he thinks Dad is deteriorating. I don't think I've spelled that right but my eyes and brain are too tired to check!!