Monday 16th April

Posted on Pancreatic Cancer UK Forum:
Nia - my dad was also diagnosed in early March (the 8th I think) and not offered any treatment. The thing I am finding is that each case is very different - the consultants told us my dad has "months" left, but at the moment he isn't in pain at all and has no jaundice. His cancer has spread to the omentum (a membrane in the stomach area and around the colon I think).

Another post on PCUK:
I'm new to this forum... my name is Jan and my dad was diagnosed on 8th March with metastatic pancreatic cancer. It has spread to his omentum. It took 6 weeks to get to the diagnosis and dad was in hospital all that time. During those weeks he deteriorated rapidly (lost 4 stone in weight, got very weak etc). He has no pain (apart from his pressure sores but that's another story) and is not jaundiced. His consultant said he probably had "months" and did not offer any treatment. My dad doesn't want any treatment (palliative chemo was mentioned) and wants to die quickly rather than linger.

My sister and I make up part of his care team as mum is disabled (she can do most stuff but nothing too heavy) and we have great support from Carers and District Nurses. When he came home from hospital (13th March) we did talk with him about certain things - mainly financial - and my sis and I have reassured Dad that mum will be ok and we'll make sure everything is taken care of. In the last few weeks, our conversations with dad have become rather mundane. Relating to his care needs, or to just day to day stuff that's going on.

We don't really discuss how he is feeling. He specifically said that he doesn't want to talk about his illness or what is ahead... although we have cried with him in the hospital when he first was told his diagnosis. I am starting to feel that we maybe should all be a bit more open and honest about our feelings. There are a few personal things I want to say to my dad but every time I think I have an opportunity I bottle out. It's nothing bad - I just want to say some loving things to him.

A few people have said that dad won't open up to us (we're too close) as he won't want to see our pain, or let us know how awful he's really feeling about the whole thing. His only comments about the cancer have been that he's just one of many, why shouldn't it be him, and that he's had a great and happy life with mum and family. He's only 68 but seems reconciled that his time is up. He seems to be being too brave about it all...

Dad's mobility is zero. He can't walk or get up out of bed. I was hoping we could take him in the car for a drive etc. but since leaving hospital he has gone downhill with regards to getting about. His spirit has been good but lately he is getting very fed up with it all (how awful to just be in bed 24/7).

So, I am wondering if anybody else would share their thoughts or experiences on how to talk with a terminally ill relative. I know everybody is different but I would appreciate your views.

Comment added in May:
I don't remember exactly when this happened, but it's a story I wanted to tell. Emily (my niece) came up with this wonderful theory that my Dad is a Buddha! She said that Grandad has long ears - as does Buddha - and that he is very wise. And therefore, he must be a Buddha. My dad was very pleased when I told him this - he laughed, and agreed that he is wise....
I told Emily that Grandad was wise and she should take note of everything that he tells her. At the moment he's trying to make her see sense over this constant falling out with "friends" and being materialistic. Oh - and he's also decided that he's "training" her to have proper conversations :-)