Finally opening up....

I'm back home.... got back at 6pm yesterday.

My dad was a bit low in his mood yesterday and for the first time since he was diagnosed in hospital, he actually opened up to me and expressed some emotion about how he is feeling. It was tough to see, but at the same time I am glad he did as we knew he'd been bottling things in for too long. I have made him promise that he will let go when he needs to - with either me, mum or my sister. I've told him we can take it, and that is the kind of support we're there to offer him.

So today I'll be shopping and just generally pottering about... it doesn't seem as warm and sunny here as it's been all week. Tomorrow I think we'll go for a walk somewhere nice. Or maybe get the bikes out.... ooh now that's an idea!

Well I have spent far too much in Tesco. I couldn't resist buying my niece a pink-heart-patterned-fluffy-on-one-side-silky-on-the-other throw for her bedroom. She always seems to like to be "wrapped" in something and I so I got it for her. I might save it for when things get really tough with Dad, as a little gift. She's actually really, really brave over it all and goes into chat to him all the time. She often breaks her heart crying when she comes out, but she never tries to avoid it, and is always really bright and bubbly around my dad. She's only 12 - I don't know how I'd have coped at that age. My 18 year old nephew just tries to avoid the situation as far as possible, bless him. He does come and visit and chat to my dad, but I know he is struggling with it all.

We're out for dinner this evening (just Roy and I) to a new pub we've found that was done up. I think I mentioned it a few weeks ago - it's terrific value and really nice food.

Comment added in May:
When Dad did finally open up to us, it was really hard to hear. I'd gone in to say goodbye to him before leaving for the weekend and I'd asked him what the Nurse had done. "Same as always" he'd said (meaning: dressed the wound, given Clexane injection). "Thats all I have to look forward to, day in, day out - I'm fed up of it. I can't go on like this". Then he started to cry. I kicked his door shut and went back to him.. I didn't know what to say but I just said that I understood him feeling like that. He said he wished somebody would do the decent thing and just put him down. I said, well you know they can't do that, and he just nodded. He said that he was trying to be open but he found it hard... I explained that we (mum, Lol and I) were there to support him and listen if he wanted to moan or cry at any time. I asked him to promise me he wouldn't be brave all the time if he didn't feel like it. I said how amazing he's been through all this. I told him, that if ever I need strength to face anything like he's going through in my own life, then I only hope I have even half the strength that he's showing. I told him I know how deep he's digging to carry on, and that he must try to let it out if it all gets too much. He said he understood that. Then he asked me to open the door, or else mum and Lorraine would wonder what was going on. "Well the rotten buggers haven't been in to find out yet" I said. He laughed, and said he'd watch tv, Pie in the Sky - it takes him "out of himself" for a while.

Such a sad conversation to have. When I came out, I was telling Mum and Lorraine. Emily was there and she was listening in (for a change!). She went marching in to Dad's room and started to talk to him. "Are you alright, Grandad? You're so brave, you know Grandad. If it was me, I'd be moaning, moaning, moaning and getting on everyone's nerves". She's so funny at times. So brave herself, really.