Dad's New Car

Today we achieve a milestone - the day that Dad's new car (his treasured Ford Focus C-Max) arrives. Lorraine and Mum go to pick it up at 11.30am from the Ford Dealership in St Helens. They're quite excited because they get a free cuddly polar bear (the Dealership is called Polar Ford).

I'll be brutally honest - back in Feb/March, I didn't think Dad would be around to see this day.
He deteriorated so fast in the hospital, I just assumed that the pace of his decline would carry on at that rate. But, here we are in mid-May and Dad is still with us and I think will be for a little while yet.

He really wanted this car. He was so chuffed when they ordered it (back in early January, before any of his illness started). When he was first ill, mum anguished about whether to cancel the order or not and decided not to. I know he'll never drive it. I hope he feels ok about it when it turns up. We'll see. I hope mum is ok with it all.

Dad said to me earlier that if he'd been picking the car up, the last few weeks would have been like an eternity waiting for it. He also said he might have a look at it through the window if he feels like it. We could move his bed round and take the nets off and get Lorraine to drive it up and down past him!

This morning, Dad commented to Lorraine about his "skinny legs". She said yes, they are now. He said "it won't be long now, everything is shrinking". He was looking at his arms which are also going very thin. Lorraine told him not to say that, and he just said "Everything is shrinking, except my heart, which is still big and full of love for my family". What a lovely thing to say. But sad. Sometimes I am in his room and I look at him and think "My god I am just watching you die, very slowly" and it is too awful to think about... so I have to click my brain onto another topic really fast.

While mum and Lorraine were out Dad and I chit chatted about anything and nothing really. At one point he was asking me how his face looked - did it look gaunt and would people be shocked when they saw him? I said, no, he looked fine - same as when he last looked (a few weeks ago he asked for a mirror to see his face). I think we were talking about Stella coming to visit - he must have been wondering if people noticed a difference in him.

Mum and Lol got back at lunchtime - unfortunately the car dealers had screwed up the insurance and so neither of us could drive the car until about 5pm when it was all sorted out!

The car is lovely - I took some photos and brought them in to show dad on my digital camera. He was very pleased. He got a bit "cross" with mum for getting upset about him not being able to drive it (she'd gone in and mentioned it to him while we were out). I know he doesn't want people crying over him all the time, but he needs to understand that mum is the other person most affected by his illness. She can't (and shouldn't) be strong ALL the time.



Went for a little spin in the car at tea time. It's really nice to drive.



Spent the evening eating Maltesers, on the computer and watching crap tv. My internet habit has changed lately. I know I spend far too much time online, but I used to be on travel sites, researching trips - destinations, hotels etc. Or I'd be on gossip sites, forums - all sorts of things really, to the point where people (Roy and my Mum!) would wonder how on earth I managed to find so much to look at. Now I spend hours on a variety of Cancer websites and Forums. Macmillan, Johns Hopkins, Pancreatic Cancer UK, Pancan - you name it, I've been there ;-).

Also on tv tonight is "How to have a Good Death". It's a repeat of a show fronted by Esther Rantzen and covering the taboo topic of death. They're following a man who is 7 weeks away from dying of cancer, and so I'll switch it off soon, I think.

Mum has gone to bed now (11pm) and I'll settle Dad down about midnight and hit the floor.
Am trying TWO duvets underneath me tonight, see if it takes the strain off my bones!