Sunday 6th May

Woke up early - didn't sleep well. Feeling a bit ropey after too much of the cheap red wine at Lilli's restaurant.

Had a chat with Roy this morning. I explained to him that whilst my fear of Dad actually dying has to some extent been lessened (by reading Final Gifts and what I've seen online) I am now started to get really worried about the bereavement/grieving process. I guess I just had in my mind that because we're all coping so well with the process of watching Dad die (awful though it is, you just kind of get on with it on a day to day basis) then I would be "ok" afterwards.

But, seeing what people are writing on the Macmillan and PCUK websites, I see people who months and even years later are still struggling to come to terms with the loss of their loved ones. I just hadn't really thought about it. I know when I lost my Nana I sobbed and felt racked with grief every day for a long time. It's starting to scare me a bit.

So there I go again - jumping ahead of myself instead of taking it how it comes. I suppose I like to think that if I can prepare for things, then I can to some degree control them.

Roy, as ever, was brilliant. He didn't try to soft soap me with "you'll be ok" and all that crap. He just said that yes, it would be awful, and there is no getting away from that.

He has this Mountain theory about losing a loved one. He says that you're going along your life just fine and then *bang* something will happen and it's like life just puts a huge Mountain in your path. His view is that you'll never get over the Mountain - it's just too overwhelming to think you even stand a chance, but that somehow you have to strive to find a way around it. Your inner strength will help you find a path around the Mountain and as you struggle, you realise that the Mountain isn't an obstacle at all - but a great big heap of loss and love and you one day come to accept that. You also lose a part of yourself - which in time you rebuild and replace, but it's never the same again....

So, we took Lillie and Albert to the Beehive for Sunday Lunch - in celebration of 55 years of marriage. We had a very nice lunch and came home to pretty much veg out in front of the tv.

Mum says that Dad has been sleeping a lot today, and also has the runs again.

Her washing machine is broken. Another one for the "that's all we need" list.