Saturday 10th February

No news here, I am tired (didn't sleep well last night) so just chillin' out with Roy in front of crap tv.

Email to friend: With my dad it is cancer in his pancreas and stomach. Quite far advanced, unfortunately. I think we are looking at no offer of treatment and a matter of months. I feel quite callous writing that but I have moments of "being detached" from it all, if you know what I mean. My mum is doing ok so far, and that is a good thing.

Roy has offered to come over next Tuesday but I think myself and my sister will be with dad, and mum will wait until after he's had the news and then come in and see him. I will be fine. We had snow here but it just keeps melting as soon as it lands! (Quite good for me with all the driving I'm doing). I've just arrived home in Leeds for the weekend and had a good "let it all out" session as soon as I got through the door. Take care and I will keep in touch.

Comment added in May:
I drove home at about mid-day. Coming off the motorway I started to lose it. All the way up Barrowby Drive and into our road I was sobbing. Poor Roy didn't know what had hit him as I got out of the car wailing. I cried for ages when I got in. He just held me and said "I know". He does know. He knows what the feeling is like.

I am getting rather ahead of myself. All the time, I find myself thinking about (and even planning) Dad's funeral! I also have decided that rather than have somebody who doesn't know him speak his Eulogy, then we (me, Lorraine, Neil) would write what we want to say, and see if there is a family member or friend strong enough to read the words. But, as I say, I am racing ahead of things - we have no idea how long Dad has, and thinking of a funeral really upsets me.

I can't remember the exact day when I told Neil (our brother) what the doctors had said - I think it was the Friday night, I picked him up and took him into visiting. I left it until we'd left the hospital and on the way out, told him what the score was. I was supposed to be being big sister, but ended up crying myself. Neil just said "ok, ok" and not much else. He worries me.... I hope he has an outlet for all of this and isn't bottling it up.